I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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