Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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