Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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