My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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