I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
