his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize