after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
