I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
