If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
