I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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