sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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