So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
