Moan for me like Helen Keller
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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