Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
