Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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