i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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