literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
