Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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