so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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