Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
