Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
