I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
