i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
