I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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