I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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