Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize