I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
