Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
