don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
