Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
