I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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