Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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