can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
