dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
