direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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