Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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