Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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