I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
