There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
