I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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