got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
