My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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