Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize