woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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