I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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