Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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