My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
