every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
