There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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