awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize