I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
And then he peed in my hair
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