Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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