I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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