So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
